Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.