Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
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I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
i think we should see other cousins
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome