And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously