The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?