I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me