me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Single and childfree like Jesus
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.