Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
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I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now