He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream