*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I hope it’s French Onion!
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Cucumbers Anonymous
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first