Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation