Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
You Might Also Like
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My brain is a bad influence on me
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.