The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
😅😅😅
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho