omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.