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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*