My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If only
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better