Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
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Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.