Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
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*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Love is always patient and kind.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.