Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.