my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together