[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”