*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Bros before Ohioes
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.