How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
You Might Also Like
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Holy moly
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY