1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I hope they boil the right one.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Wait a minute
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌