DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.