People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok