6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Danger is very dangerous
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.