I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
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Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.