The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
so this horse walks into a bar
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*Inspirational Tweets*
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”