Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
This is my emotional support knife.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Its true…
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too