I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.