No, I don’t think I will.
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
What personal space?
My dog
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other