Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*