Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.