I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!