Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please