Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.