little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
oh my gosh!!
titanic
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.