The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*