Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
No, he would not have.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
*mops up wine with cat*
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past