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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Need WebMD
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”