Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.