I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
That lamp looks PISSED.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye