Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE