Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
yea so i messed up lol
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.