*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.