why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
You Might Also Like
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Did I do this right
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!