I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
do horses think humans are hats
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.