It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
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For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Cheers Twitter.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans