DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Omg 🤣
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story