To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
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why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice